Subject: HOME DEPOT WARNING, You must read this one!!!

 A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their very revealing wet skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. 

P.S. K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99

Have A Nice _________ 

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's
Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?”


The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top
and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


The old guy says..."Doesn't matter, let's go look for yours."

What is baby oil made from?

Have A Nice _______

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'

 What goes up and never comes down?

  Won't know until it comes down (kinda like gas prices)!!!
 

This might have been posted years ago but I don't recall:

The Ten Commandments for Amateur Astronomers

1. Thou shalt have no white light before thee.

2. Thou shalt not love thy telescope more than thy spouse or thy children. 

3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's telescope unless it exceeds thy own aperture twofold.

4. Thou shall not visit Astronomy.com on company time.  Reserve this boon for breaks and lunch    lest thy employer smite thee.

5. Thou shall have at least two telescopes so that thy children and spouse can entertain themselves whilst thee are engaged with the firmament.

6. Thou shalt keep the holy days of meteor showers, transits, eclipses, and conjunctions free of labour and distractions of an earthly nature.

7. Thou shall not reveal to thy spouse the true cost of thy telescope collection: only the individual components and that shall be done with great infrequency.

8. Thou shalt not buy astronomical equipment as "family" or "its educational" Christmas gifts when you know thou art buying for thyself.

9. Thou shalt not deceive spouse or family into thinking that ye are taking them for a romantic Saturday night drive when thou art heading for a dark sky site.

10. Thou shalt not store thy telescope in thy living room, dining room, or bedroom lest thou be sleeping with it full time.

if a meteorite hits a planet, what do we call the ones that miss??

meteowrongs!

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How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?

1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2. An inclined plane is a slope up.
3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.

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Everyone has seen ducks fly in a "V" formation, right?

Why is one row of ducks almost always longer than the other?

Because there's more ducks in that row.